Daimler Ends Gas Engines, Electric Option Coming Before Heat Death of Sun.

In a shocking announcement, Daimler has ended use of gasoline engines in all their products while they work on development of an electric drivetrain. Brands that fall under the Daimler umbrella, such as Mercedes-Benz, will adopt the new policy effective immediately.

A Daimler talking head stated that “development of an electric drivetrain will take some time, however with the heat death of the sun not expected to occur for another 5 billion years, we believe we should have sufficient time to bring it to market”. They also claimed that “humanity may not actually exist on the planet at that time due to climate change, but we feel it’s important to be perceived as doing something, especially after all this silly dieselgate business gave us a bit of a PR black eye”.

Not expanded upon during the announcement was the fact that Daimler intends to immediately cease using gasoline engines in their products while they work on an electric motor. Head of Daimler R&D Werner Wurstname stated “we looked under the hood of a Tesla Model S and there was nothing there, but the vehicles still go very fast” and later “we decided to copy this idea since it has worked well for Tesla”. It was announced that existing vehicles will have their engines recalled and removed at no charge.

When asked how customers are expected to power their engine-less automobiles, Wurstname responded that “there are many mountains in Europe, so worst case you could pull the car to the top of one and then roll down to your destination”, followed later by a claim that “rolling downhill generates power which can be used to make the car move, so just make sure there are lots of hills around”. This seems to be a precursor to an eventual regenerative-braking system such as those used in many electric vehicles on the market today.

Later the same day, a source at Mercedes-Benz claimed that all new AMG models will include a pair of large European bodybuilders (referred to by the source as the “Hans and Franz” option) who will pull the car up hills and then ride in the back seat when moving downhill in order to reach “performance” speeds. Owners will be responsible for food, lodging, and protein supplements for the duo claims the source.

Early customer sentiment was mixed, with owners in prairie regions complaining of a lack of hills in their area, and some AMG owners contacted about this story expressed concern about having two sweaty bodybuilders staining their leather seats.

Earlectrek continues to monitor this story as it develops.

Norman’s Take

While eliminating engines is environmentally friendly, there are concerns regarding the amount of emissions that may be caused by the “Hans and Franz” option when large amounts of protein supplement are combined with excessive upward exertion. You most certainly don’t want to be downwind.

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