Tesla To Manufacture Vacuum Cleaner, Compete Directly With Dyson

Tesla To Manufacture Vacuum Cleaner, Compete Directly With Dyson

While one might think the recent news of Dyson throwing in the proverbial “electric vehicle” towel would be welcomed by Tesla, thus eliminating a potential competitor, our sources tell us it was Dyson’s move into the EV market in the first place that struck a nerve, specifically with its longtime CEO, Elon Musk. Inside informants report that Musk took the news very personally and that the moment he heard chairman James Dyson announcing his companies’ EV ambitions, Musk became incensed and declared; “So, word’s out on the street: It’s ok to steal my stuff, I’m going to kill these sons of bitches!” Our eye witness reports Elon then hurried off to a secret lower level corridor of the SpaceX-Men compound to access his Neuralink Cerebrolodex and search for everyone named Wayne Groh. Elon’s Brother Kimbal intervened and talked him down from this ungovernable rage, unknowingly planting the seed that would lead Kimbal, Elon, and the combined might of Tesla into an all-out war for a market they weren’t even in.

“Kill them with success… and bury them with a smile!” – Kimbal Musk, probably.

Elon’s facial expression calmed.  With a renewed Zen focus from heeding his brother’s advice and not content with Dyson’s simple withdrawal from electric car manufacturing (something that Elon Musk has long considered “his turf”) Earlectrek has learned that immediately after Dyson’s EV announcement and Kimbal’s message, Elon and Tesla secretly began work on an entirely new product line with eyes on crushing Dyson at its own game and poaching away customers from their core business… vacuums.  Tesla, manufacturer of a large percentage of the world’s electric vehicles, and all of its good ones, will soon be doing the unexpected and branching out into new territory… manufacturing a Tesla branded vacuum cleaner.

Upper West Side New York. The Tesla gang entraps current Dyson CEO Jim Rowan, moments before a musical rumble ensued involving dance numbers and excessive musically synchronized finger snapping. 

Make no mistake about it, the Tesla Vacuum is very real. The reports we’re receiving paint a clear picture that Tesla is not just gunning for Dyson, but that Musk has made it a personal vendetta to eradicate Sir James Dyson, and his company, completely.  

But it wasn’t always this way…

This drastic shift in Tesla’s product lineup priority somewhat mirrors the change in the personal relationship between Elon Musk and James Dyson, which in its current form is in stark contrast to yesteryear when the two were young whippersnappers that ran in the same crowds, worked hard just to scrape by, and spent hours discussing their grand ideas of starting their own companies.  They even found mild success with their Alt-Rock garage band collaboration, El Inversor de Baño, selling a modest, break-even amount of their self-titled album featuring their highest rated songs “Eat Your Own Shorts” and “Flush Toilet Boy.”

El Inversor de Baño performs “Flush Toilet Boy” at the Pig Pen in Clinton, Iowa. 

Sadly, their personal relationship deteriorated long before Dyson’s recent attempt to muscle in on Tesla’s EV “home field” as the band broke up shortly after their debut album due to increasing tension and disagreements between Musk and Dyson.  Musical historian Ike Canter recalls the night that he believes was the breaking point for the band and the relationship.  “Musk was like chaos at venues, man.  He was just a messy person, right? And like… Dyson was like ‘this is on some bullshit’ … and he got tired of picking up after ‘E’, as he called him.” Canter told us. “So Musk was like ‘I tried cleaning but all these vacuums are garbage, they shouldn’t be trying to pick up garbage, they should be IN the garbage themselves!  They literally suck at sucking… so I stopped’ which seemed to infuriate ‘JD’ as Musk called Dyson. I’ve never seen JD so pissed.”  (Editor’s Note: To date, there is no record of Dyson ever giving any credit to Elon Musk for the idea and motivation to invent a better vacuum cleaner).  Ike Canter continued “Oh and like, so like right after that argument, man, Musk was trying to make small talk amends, right?  And was like ‘when I make it big, I’m gonna name my company after my fam, using my last name as a shout out to them for their love and support’ and JD was like ‘YO, that is STUPID AF!  You’ve literally never had a dumber, more stupid idea in your entire life!’ which really hurt E’s feelings, man.  Cut him deep. You could see it in his eyes, the hurt and sadness.” Canter concluded “That, to me, was the end of El Inversor de Baño and them two as friends, man.”

Ike Canter, lifetime rock and roll roadie (and friend) immediately after our interview and shortly before his unfortunate passing by natural cause.

Back to the present day, the landscape of the arena laid before them now drastically different from their days as bandmates.  Elon Musk and one of his many successful companies, Tesla, in one corner, and James Dyson and his non-coincidentally self-named company in the other.  If there ever was any friendship between the two, clearly it’s dissolved completely and the battle lines have been drawn.  There is no love lost.  The war for the best vacuum has begun.

News of a Tesla Vacuum comes as a surprise to many as Tesla already has several projects in the pre-production phase and there is some concern whether the company might be stretching itself thin. But supporters and fans of Tesla have voiced their zealous, unwavering support for the company and excitement for the product, inundating social media with posts featuring Philip J. Fry’s now infamous “shut up and take my money” OG dank meme, along with several other iterations of memes striking a similar chord, all of them dank.

Tesla scientists working on a vacuum cleaner, not pictured here.

Tesla’s venture into the realm of vacuum manufacturing is also proving to be welcome news for those that have long thought Dyson to be a fraud, their products to be flawed and dangerous, and their CEO a criminal.   “Once another manufacturer makes vacuums, nobody will buy a Dyson!” read several identical emails sent to Earlectrek by various anonymous members of #DYSQ, the Twitter hashtag used by the group to hide their member’s true identities online so that they can harass and bully fans of Dyson and those considering a Dyson purchase on the popular social media micro-blog without a single repercussion. We reached out to one of the groups more outspoken leaders for comment but have yet to receive a response from @DYSONcharts.  This story will be updated if we ever hear back from that mother FUDster.

Rumors of Tesla Vacuums sightings have been circulating online for a short time now but a recent uptick to said rumors brought a more scrutinizing spotlight onto the secretive program, exposing some cracks in the normally tight lipped security and allowing for an image to leak. Earlectrek, being the fine tuned and well established source of news that is, has obtained this WORLD’S FIRST EXCLUSIVE leaked image of the Tesla Vacuum and we are proud to share it with our readers!

Tesla’s super duper ultra mega secret vault. Location unknown. Rumored home of Elon Musk’s starship and remains of Barf

While this grainy image, shot from a distance through the bars of a vault by a person that has now disappeared is short on details, one can make out what looks like an old school stand-up bagger vacuum.  A perplexing choice to us but we’re not ones to questions the wisdom of Tesla’s decision making.  We can also see some of the contours of the lower portion of the unit revealing a beautiful, flowing, low-drag coefficient design that is true of all Tesla products, a part of their DNA. “Tesla’s Chief Designer Franz von Holzhausen does not make anything that isn’t gorgeous.” Source (anyone with a brain, 2019.)

Whether you are a supporter of Dyson, Tesla, or just vacuums in general, one thing is for certain: The days ahead should be truly interesting and exciting.  We’re all aware of the current offerings of vacuum cleaners on the market, including those by Dyson themselves, but it’s Tesla that’s the wildcard here.  Many people we spoke to find themselves holding off on making a vacuum cleaner purchase until they see what Tesla brings to the market, and when.

Meanwhile, industry pundits, while cautiously optimistic, are outspoken that this will be a daunting task for Elon Musk and Tesla as they’ve never before produced anything that sucks.

****UPDATE****

Earlectrek is beyond excited to say that it has obtained a new leaked image courtesy of an unknown Tesla insider who said only to credit “High Priest of the Great Old Ones, Cthulhu” for our great loyalty to the believers.  We’re just as confused as you but we’re rolling with it and grateful for the image! 

Tesla Vacuum dustbin showing a self-presenting handle and falcon wing doors that open to drop collected debris into the trashcan.  

If you decide to buy a Tesla vacuum, or other Tesla products that actually exist, use referral code http://ts.la/jeremy8351

Derf Terbmal

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