The Machine that Builds the Machine that builds the Machine
(BERLIN, GERMANY) – Looking like a cross between a shopping mall on stilts and Godzilla, Tesla CEO Elon Musk and German Chancellor Dr. Angela Merkel unveiled today “the machine that builds the machine that builds the machine.” Dubbed GigaFactoryPrime, or GigaPrime (GP), the new mechanism is an automated mobile factory that produces factories. Aiming to revolutionize how industrial facilities are created, the 11-story tall machine consumes building materials in one end and births fully operational car factories out the other.
As he went to throw the giant lever activating the monstrous contraption Musk said “This is a tremendous day for Tesla and for humanity. Let’s hope GP doesn’t go all DESTROY ALL HUMANS on us.” Chuckling in his characteristic manner he continued “Kidding. But seriously when I said ‘build the machine that builds the machine’ I meant it literally. Pretty meta right?”
The new mobile facility contains thousands of autonomous robots from recent acquisition Boston Dynamics, and is a marvel of innovation and efficiency. Stretching nearly five kilometers long it is the world’s largest moving object and must be guided carefully by Tesla’s autonomous driving technology. GigaPrime slowly picks it’s way across the landscape to avoid crushing buildings and destroying bridges. Entirely solar powered with on-board battery storage it is designed to never need refueling or stop moving, and slowly gestates a new factory as it cruises quietly along.
“When Tesla purchased Grohman Automation I told them to hold on to their schnitzels because we’re going to do something big.” said Musk “This counts as big right? Well diese maschine ist die größte !”
Moving slightly faster than walking pace, ‘Prime’ glides across water as easily as land and is scheduled to circumnavigate the globe once a year. It is designed to collect tons of steel, concrete and other raw materials as it moves, while fully automated processes inside manufacture nearly identical buildings with assembly lines intact and already optimized. Once hooked up to local utilities such as water, sewer and the electrical grid the factory is activated and Tesla vehicles begin rolling off the line.
As Musk recently tweeted “Anyone who’s interested in working on cutting edge manufacturing — designing & building the machine that makes the machine — please consider working at Tesla or SpaceX. We’re gonna take this to a whole new level! ” Apparently GigaFactoryPrime is the next level Musk was talking about.
In addition to making factories for the Model 3, upcoming Model Y, Tesla Cyber-truck or other new vehicles, the new machine is also capable of creating battery, solar panel, rocket and soft-serve ice cream plants. “We welcome GigaPrime to Germany” announced Chancellor Merkel “I ask you, who doesn’t love soft-serve ice cream? Oh, the car factory is great too. Maybe those slackers at BMW will take the hint. Now who wants ice cream?”
“We’re planning a world tour beginning in 2020” said Musk. “Gigafactory 3 came online after only 10 months, which is an amazing achievement. But it only proved we can do even better. With GigaPrime we can deliver a new factory every 4 to 6 months. The first one will be here in Germany and we will scale production after that.” As he climbed aboard and headed to the infamous ‘couch on the factory floor’ he added “Suck on that shorts!” and dropped the mic.
We have got to start listening to this guy! Seriously.
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