New Sales Incentivize Announced: Free Puppy with Every Tesla Delivered before Year-End

New Sales Incentivize Announced: Free Puppy with Every Tesla Delivered before Year-End

Fremont, CA: Tesla (TSLA) stock moved up slightly today based on a leaked memo outlining the company’s latest tactic to drive sales: A free puppy with every Tesla delivered before December 31, 2019. The tactic will be announced publicly tomorrow.

It’s “all hands on deck” during the last month of this important quarter and expectations are high, as the electric vehicle manufacturer races to the end of another important year of highs and lows. Institutional and individual shareholders often view CEO Elon Musk’s lofty targets and changing tactics as impulsive whims of a temperamental billionaire, which continues to leave stockholders and Wall Street perplexed. “Elon always sets these super high targets and what’s worse is he communicates them to the public before us,” said an unnamed source at a local delivery center. “Then we’re left trying to figure out how to hit them. Has he never heard the term ‘under-promise, over-deliver?’”

Based on comments made during Q2 and Q3 investor calls, the street expects over 100,000 Tesla vehicles delivered in Q4, which would put full-year deliveries on the low end of projections. 100,000 is by internal standards tight, but doable if demand is there. That’s where the company’s small marketing department steps in. “We don’t advertise traditionally. We rely on our customers to spread the word, along with a few stunts for good measure that usually go viral – like the windows ‘accidentally’ breaking during Cybertruck’s reveal,” said 23 year-old Harper Sutton, Chief Marketing Officer at Tesla.

The internal email from Musk revealed that Tesla will now offer a puppy (or older, “used” dog when supplies thin) with each vehicle purchase through year-end. The popularity of posting pictures of dogs in the front trunks (‘frunks’) of Teslas, although seemingly cruel to some, spawned the idea. “I see these posts on Instagram and Twitter all the time. It’s a big deal. This Earl guy seems to be in charge, but there are a bunch of them who post every day. So, I had the idea. I ran upstairs to my mom’s bedroom a few nights ago and asked her thoughts. She works at the Fremont Humane Society, and said they’d have plenty of dogs to supply Tesla for the promotion,” said Sutton. “We’re also partnering with other shelters across the country, and in most cases, keeping the dogs onsite at Tesla delivery centers for quick deliveries.”

With just weeks to go and delivery centers already busy, the added canines onsite are making life for Tesla staff even more chaotic. “I’m the new guy here,” said Travis Ortiz, 22, Sales Manager at Tesla of Littleton, Colorado yelling above the constant barking and yelping. “So they’re making me change out the newspapers on the floor of – well, what used to be our break room, and mop the floors twice a day. I have to say although I love puppies, it sounds and smells like a cross between a high school dance and PetSmart around here.”

Although many customers were surprised and delighted with their free puppy, some have been disappointed. “I really wanted a Shih tzu, but all they had left were those weird looking Neapolitan Mastiffs. But I grabbed one anyway,” said Monique Conner, 44 and new Model 3 driver. “I mean, a free dog is a free dog, and this one should stay small enough to fit in the frunk.”

Besides the occasional bite, frightened tears from small children, and a few nasty scratches on the side of a new Model X in the West Grand Avenue Chicago delivery center from a large Saint Bernard, the promotion has been generally good – too good, in fact. The southeast part of the country is on its last dogs, and has had to resort to vouchers for free cat petting at the local Petco instead. “We plan on doing it again next year,” said Sutton. “And next year, we’ll start breeding earlier – Model Y is coming out.”

Fred Green Tomatoes

Just another Tesla fan out there fighting the good fight against clickbait and FUD every single day, while balancing with a healthy sense of humor. In it for the long-term health of our world - not the money. Follow me @spotted_model. Abstract Ocean promo code “ISAM3”