Tesla buys Red Bull
Recently Earlectrek sat down for an exclusive one-on-one interview with Tesla CEO Elon Musk to discuss rumors that Tesla is planning their very first advertising push by participating in a cross-branding collaboration with energy drink maker Red Bull.
Earlectrek: First, thank you so much for meeting with us, we at Earlectrek know you are a busy man.
Elon: I’m always willing to make time for you. Earlectrek is the foremost internet site for factual and unbiased Tesla reporting. A shining beacon of truth and fairness and a model for what I hope Twitter can become.
Earlectrek: Too kind. Now, you must have seen the pictures of you leaving Red Bull headquarters in Austria. Obviously that lead to the rumor Tesla is planning some sort of marketing agreement with the energy drink maker.
Elon: Have I seen the pictures? I had them taken and posted under my Twitter anagram “@U_Melon_Sky”! It’s been hiding in plain sight since before Investor day, but nobody figured it out and didn’t ask any questions. I’m kind of sad about that because we had 17 more PowerPoint slides. So let me just drop the bombshell. Tesla is going to buy Red Bull!
Earlectrek: Wow! That is a bombshell for sure! What led to this decision?
Elon: I drink so much of it, and the fridges at Tesla, SpaceX and now Twitter are stocked with it, it just made economic sense. Plus I think we can apply the same sort of hardcore engineering to reduce production costs and increase efficiencies at both Red Bull and Tesla.
Earl: What sort of efficiencies are you talking about? They make drinks, you make cars.
Elon: Cans! Think about it. Last year we made 8 billion battery cells. Red Bull sold 8 billion cans of that caffeine filled nectar that keeps me alive. We started with the 18650 in the Model S and X, then moved to the 2170 in the 3 and X. Now we are producing the 4680 for the structural battery packs in the Y and the Semi. Each generation gets taller and wider.
Earl: That’s three different cells. Tesla is known for trying to reduce the number of unique parts. How does this fit with Red Bull?
Elon: That’s where it gets fun. Red Bull comes in three main sizes, 8.4, 12 and 16 oz cans. In terms of battery sizes that’s a 53121, 57156 and 60181. Between the two of us we make 6 different sizes of aluminum cans. We’re going to reduce that. The idea came to me while touring GigaNevada and set my Red Bull on a machine making the 4680 structural battery cells. I was shocked to learn a Red Bull and our new cells are almost the same size.
Earl: Why was that shocking?
Elon: Sorry, I should say, I was shocked into learning they are almost the same size. I went to take a swig, but had grabbed a battery by mistake. Those new cells pack quite a punch when you put them to your lips! As the saying goes “Electrocution is the mother of Execution!” So we are going to create a single size, the new 50125. Think of the manufacturing efficiencies!
Earl: Any other big plans?
Elon: Franz will probably kill me for spilling the beans on this one, but we’re going to drop a new flavor this summer. Teslaquila-Rosso! It’s a mix of Teslaquila and Red Bull. Uplifting caffeine and soothing alcohol in one easy to handle package. You can get super hammered while still churning out code at 3am. I’m super pumped on this.
Earl: Sounds delicious and productive!
Elon: Totally.
Earl: I hate to ask, but are there plans for layoffs?
Elon: Ummm, yeah, well, ummm, no.
Earl: No?
Elon: Originally we planned to layoff a bunch or random employees just because that’s pretty much all they teach in MBA school. Then I met with Red Bull Human Resources. A lady named, I think, Helga. When I entered her office she said (reporter’s note: Elon stops and shivers noticably) “HELLO MISTER ELON MUSK. WELCOME TO RED BULL! IF THERE IS ANYTHING I CAN DO TO ASSIST, YOU WILL NOT HESITATE TO ASK!! IS THAT UNDERSTOOD!?” Then she shook my hand with a bone crushing grip.
Earl: Was she really yelling?
Elon: Screaming! Someone told me later that’s how Austrians politely communicate, but frankly she scared me. I’ll be avoiding Red Bull HR from now on. So no, no, layoffs. (Elon shudders again.)
Earl: Seems prudent. What about Red Bull sponsorships?
Elon: They have contracts in place, so no changes except we are going all in on Formula E as TeslaRosso. We’ll be using the new 50125 cells. And probably something with Starship, because, space! Right?
Earl: Will you be carrying a sink into Red Bull headquarters?
Elon: I thought about it, but the joke just doesn’t work. Franz told me “Let that sink in” translates to something like “Bitte gestatten Sie diesem Gerät für die Küchenhygiene den Zugang zu den Räumlichkeiten“ which means roughly “please permit this appliance needed for appropriate kitchen hygiene access to the premises“. Way too long for a good meme.
Earl: Last question, is this a done deal?
Elon: Funding is, as they say, secured!
